Wednesday, October 8, 2008

More Deep Thoughts

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out he didn't work that I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON T.V.?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60,She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

If you are addicted to dancing, do you have to go through a 12 step program?

If olive oil comes from olives, and corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat"?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

If love is blind, how can we believe in love at first sight?

Why do toasters even have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

What do you call male ballerinas?

Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?

If Wile E Coyote had enough money for all the Acme products, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?

Why does Donald Duck wear a towel when he comes out of the shower, when he doesn't usually wear any pants?

Did Adam and Eve have navels?

Do one-legged ducks swim in circles?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have a 's' in it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before I met her.

Why do we know about the "Secret Service"?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Always remember that you're unique, just like everyone else.

I doubt, therefore I might be.

I played a blank tape at full volume. The mime that lives next door complained.

If you drove at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

All generalizations are wrong.

I was shopping at a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

What did tornadoes sound like before trains were invented?

Does a tanker truck full of helium weigh more full or empty?

I'm a schizophrenic and so am I.

Why do they call it stationary if you're supposed to mail it?

I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

Do pediatricians play miniature golf?

Why don't they invent a solar powered flashlight?

If a fly didn't have wings, would we call it a walk?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

No matter how hard you try, you cannot dig half of a hole.

Why don't they invent a cordless extension cord?

Do they use trees grown in smoggy cities to make carbon paper?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why do we wait until the pig is dead to cure it?

What would happen if you xeroxed a mirror?

If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille numbers on a drive-up ATM?

Is there another word for synonym?

Did the early settlers ever go camping?

How do you know if a crouton is stale?

When it rains, do cotton fields shrink?

What is the speed of dark?

If a vampire can't see his reflection, how does his hair stay so neat?

Is animal shampoo tested on humans?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour to get out of the water?

Would a blind tourist use a sightseeing eye dog?

If you had everything in the world, where would you put it?

What does "it" mean in "what time is it"?

Do fish ever get thirsty?

If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we know it?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

If teflon is non-stick, how did they get it to stick to the pan?

What is another word for thesaurus?

Can fat people go skinnydipping?

If eyes have eyebrows, why aren't moustaches called mouthbrows?

It's not an illusion, it just looks like one.

First time cross-country skiers should choose a small country.

If a #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

Should a crematorium give discounts to burn victims?

How do you let people know you painted a "wet paint" sign?

When a cow laughs, does milk come out his nose?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.

What do they use to ship Styrofoam?

I hated working at the fire hydrant factory. I couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Why isn't the word "phonetic" spelled like it sounds?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

How did a fool and his money GET together in the first place?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

If it's true that we are here to help "others," then what exactly are the "others" here for?

If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Four fifths of all people have trouble with fractions.

Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes. Then, when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor, because you were "just going down to the corner."

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
Why not put pictures of criminals on postage stamps so mailmen could look for them while they deliver the mail?

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

How do you know when you're out of invisible ink?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now they take Prozac to make it normal.

Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees?

How can you chop down a tree and then chop it up?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If someone tells you he is a chronic liar, should you believe him?

If you were traveling at the speed of sound, and you turned on your radio, would you be able to hear it?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read correctly?

If somebody vanishes without a trace, how do people know they are missing?

What do you say when someone says you're in denial, but you're not?

How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it has to want to change.

Did they have antiques in the olden days?

If there's an exception to every rule, is there an exception to that rule?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If masochists like to torture themselves, wouldn't they do it best by not torturing themselves? and if so, aren't we all masochist?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

What would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an airplane?

What would you use to dilute water?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Can I get arrested for running into a Fire House yelling "Movie! Movie!" ?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

How does a shelf salesman keep his store from looking empty?

If a parsley farmer is sued, will they garnish his wages?

How many people thought of the Post-It note before it was invented, but just didn't have anything to jot it down on?

1 comment:

One Reader said...

These were great, I especially liked "Do creamatoriums give discounts to burn victims?" Thanks for the laugh!

Oh and if FedX and UPS got together they's be F-ed UP.

Also I am one of the 4/3 of people who like fractions ;-)