Saturday, April 4, 2009

Desperate Times Lead To Desperate Measures...

This is a method my oldest brother Chuck claimed to have used several times when he was growing up, poor and hungry. You will either view it as extremely creative or just plain disgusting. I have never tried it, but I am sure it will work as advertised!

Fist you will need a few items:

  1. A paper sack like what a 5th of booze comes in.

  2. A plastic sack like what your newspaper comes in.

  3. The cheapest most disgusting looking can of soup or stew you can find.

  4. A light jacket or coat.

So if you are really hungry and have no money (or just enough to buy a disgusting can of soup), you can use this method to get a free meal.

Empty the can of soup into the plastic sack. Place the plastic sack into the paper sack. Make sure there are no leaks! Now hit the road and go into a nice, preferably crowded restaurant. Before you go in, put on your light jacket and tuck the bags with the soup down the front of your jacket with the opening up around the collar of your jacket but just out of sight. My brother Chuck actually had a full beard so disguising the bag was a bit easier. (If you want to be professional, you could devise some type of prosthesis to keep the bag of soup in place. Make sure to be seated in the clear view of the other patrons.

Order and eat your meal as you normally would. When you are just about done, pick a time when the waiter or waitress is walking by and clutch your chest forcing the contents of the bag all over your plate, table, hands and chin. A convincing puking wretch sound is also highly useful. Of course the wait staff does not want a puker in the dining room, especially since you are presumably puking their food, and they should discreetly escort you out of the establishment.

Of course you may need a plan B. If you are not immediately escorted out, sit back down and start picking the chunks out of the pile of faux puke and start eating them. This is guaranteed to get you removed.

You may want to practice your vomit skills at home so you will be more convincing when the cards (or puke) is on the table...